how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
