I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
