Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
