i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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