My liver just broke up with me...
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
cat food counts as protein by the way
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
