My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
