too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
