Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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