how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Who died my cat blue again?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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