i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
