I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Can I color on your dick again?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
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