Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
worst night to have a conscience
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
