Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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