i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
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