my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
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