Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
