i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
