i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You ruined the universe
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
