Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Randomize
