I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
