Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
