You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
