his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
