You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
love makes seman taste better
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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