i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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