So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
