We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
