I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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