it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
