He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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