Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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