Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
