You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
