Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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