some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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