Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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