Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
