Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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