So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
