Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
