seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
