and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
the raccoons are back...
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