So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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