My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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