wakey wakey hands off snakey
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
