I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
