FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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