I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Randomize
