My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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