Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
