Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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